Walking with Trauma

She went to the Lord many times to asked why.  Why was she repugnant to them? Why such resentment? Why was she rejected and despised?  Why do they all say that she was made wrong?  Was she so dishonorable and unworthy? Was she incapable of doing anything right?   Did any kind words exist to represent her?   

Daily, her heart aches when she heard the words used to tell of her.  What is a harlot? Why do they want her to describe herself a harlot?  Why was there joy in their hearts when they make her repeat their words?  The words used to express and define her are repulsive, distasteful and unpleasant.  Her feelings of disgust and rejection are confusing. However, at four years of age the only thing she knows for certain is that she was not loved, and no one in her vicinity could be trusted. 

They have beaten her more than once.  They have kept food, clothing and have asked her to sleep on the floor.  She was always paralyzed with fear when they tell her to go to the room.  The room is where they hurt her, and where she sees them. She never mentions it.  However, the darkness constantly floats below the ceilings.   They reside there. 

It hurts every morning when she sits for breakfast.  She lifts up her legs to find relief as she eats her oatmeal. A woman gazes and dismisses her. She cruelly says that it will go away eventually.  It’s what you have to go through.   

When she finishes breakfast, they drive her to school. She looks at herself in the car to makes sure her school uniform is tidy. After being drop off, she enters her Kindergarten class.   

She is described as extremely smart even though she is shy.  They don’t know that she makes herself forget. She intentionally developed amnesia toward the betrayal of those who were chosen to love her.  If asked, she would be unable to speak of it.  She lived bewildered and confused. 

However, her young heart breaks and grieves as she rides home.  Somewhere in her she knows; her dignity and humanity are being destroyed. However, those are adult words. The child in her sobs constantly, grieves in pain, and obeys when asked to do the unforgivable.   

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