For weeks, she had been enjoying her days walking, laughing, teaching, learning, and working. She made herself believed all was well. She had grown accustomed not to take notice. However, when she woke that morning, dread and apprehension welcomed her. She knew the time was coming.
Her deepest desire was for all to disappear. She had made herself forget previously, but that was no longer possible. She now had to face them; the scars. They were reminders of the war for her soul. She was born to a battle of good and evil. She was never equipped for it, and did not understand what was at stake. However, her desire and instinct of survival were unquestionable. Because he watched over her, he would send angels to be her company; Hebrews 1:14.
Whether it was the best decision is still questionable, but she had no choice. Her nervous system dwelled in the freeze response. It was the only way to tolerate the emotional stress, the rejection and the violence that came with trauma[1]. The dissociation, memory loss, disconnection, lack of response emotionally, and separation from self, helped her endure the battle. The use of these to survive for so many years, caused damage. She lived in a dichotomy; grateful for being alive, and at the same time dreading viewing her scars.
Those with good intentions encourage her to forget the past and to move forward; Philippians 3:13-14. She knew she had been given a new heart; Ezekiel 36:26 and was a new creation; 2 Corinthians 5:17. So, she moved forward and lived in the present. That was, until she encountered the deterrents.
The moment she glanced at her scars, life stopped being enjoyable. They were reminders of the battle. Even though He won, it was still unbearable to catch sight of them after all this time. She wondered how he dealt with his. John 20:24-29 says; “Until I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into side, I will not believe”. Did he grieve when glancing at the cost of making others free? Was her Lord like her? Living in a dichotomy between the pain from paying a price, and obedience.
She finds comfort in knowing that this will not be forever. For God will wipe away all tears from her eyes; and there will be no more sorrow, nor crying, nor pain…For the former things will passed away; Revelation 21:4
She sighs and rests. For one day, her scars will really disappear.
[1] Dezelic, Marie S. Meadows Outpatient Handbook. P238.
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Walking with Trauma 
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