Walking with Trauma

She sat at the table surrounded by the chatter and laughter of the brethren. The room looked lovely, with red poinsettias, Christmas ornaments and live music.  Everyone was in festive spirits and enjoying each other’s company.  She smiled widely, and spoke enthusiastically about the holidays, family, and friends. She shared her enjoyment of watching the praises during the service.  She was doing what was expected Romans 12:18, fitting in, and all the while she practiced opposite action. 

No one noticed the deep sadness, the wounded heart, the loneliness, the disillusion, nor the pain.  She lives afraid of exposing too much, so she chooses to practice emotional containment.  However, the struggle of the reality within, and the outward appearance leaves one exhausted.  Hence, the need for silence and isolation.

In solitude, she becomes busy making use of distracting skills. Writing in a journal, reading an interesting book, crocheting, and trying new recipes.  Nevertheless, the skills do not alleviate the pain, the sadness, the wounds, the loneliness and disillusion that resides in her heart.   As the need to soothe increases, so does her longing for him.

She chooses to pursue him not for his attributes, nor for what he can do for her. She just wants his company, and to sit quietly close to him.  It’s going to be a while before she allows herself to feel, and longer to expose her heart. He is familiar with this behavior. So, he chooses to wait patiently, and makes allowances for her faults; Ephesians 4:2.  For you see he loves her in inexplicable ways Romans 8:38-39. 

In her world lack of trust, fear of harm, and betrayal are monarchs.  She has difficulty understanding his world and his plans. However, her incomprehension does not seem to matter.  He just loves her and because he is faithful he continues to sit by her John 1:14. 

The time will come when she will unearth what lies in her heart. Because he is good, he will keep track of her sorrows, collect her tears in a bottle, and record each one in her book, Psalm 56:8.  In him she finds empathy, therefore she allows herself to be comforted Psalm 34:18.

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