Walking with Trauma

The Normal Days 

For the past few months she has been living the normal days. The normal days of brightness and clarity.  She has enjoyed times of laughter and fun. It had been years since she has been allowed to be herself.  The normal days have brought on confidence, courage and a sense of peace.  For the first time in her life, she viewed the puzzle of her life completed.  She faced the world without gaps, and was able to witness her complete story without shame.  

She prayed daily that his word would sustain her.  She acknowledge her need of him to continue functioning. After all, he is the healer of the wounded. The man of sorrows who carried her distress on the cross.  She touches his robe like the bleeding woman; Luke 8:43-48.  Daily she kneels and prays; “if I touch him, I would be healed”.   

However, she’s become aware that the normal days are coming to an end.   With tears rolling down her cheeks, she has come to terms with what has been pre-ordained.  All the symptoms of her illness are back.  That which she has been able to manage with leaned skills have reached their peak. There is no comfort for her broken heartedness.    

Instinctively, she began to practice the coping skills of her childhood.  If ask, she would be unable to speak about it.  Her outward appearance will not show her despair. She smiles wholeheartedly, laughs loudly and walks freely. No one is aware of the sorrow, grief and loss that entangles her.   

On her drives home, she acknowledges her reality.  The amnesia effects are gone now, and she is force to face her unbelievable truths.  The years of slavery, degradation and inhumane treatment of her as a child.  She lives with the consequences of interruptions in her natural childhood development.  The emotional dysregulation, the inability to pronounce words correctly, the increase amounts cortisol and adrenaline in her body.  There is no sympathy or relief for the agony caused by the humiliation and contempt of her humanity. She would never hear apologies nor would she see justice.   

All she had is him.  “The man of sorrows, acquainted with sin”; Isaiah 53:3.  He is the only one who understands the torment carried by her abuse.  She is trusting him as her illness becomes more noticeable.